What I am doing is not what I expect myself to do(JEGA)

Since I came to Singapore I kill my time talking and watching movies, and to tell the truth, I enjoy it very much. However sometimes when I am extremely happy, I raise myself a question if I am living how I want and if I am leading a kind of life I like. I can't answer my own question, but I can't. I myself don't want to choose. On one hand, I am happy to act as a talktive girl and chat with my roommates about all the things we want to share as girls, and I like to watch all the good movies which absorb me into the plots and just make me feel I am one of the characters. I have never been happier. I enjoy what I feel, and I like to have nothing to do but live as a household lady who even doesn't have to do housework. I like to be with my friends, laughing and crying with them. Perhaps I also like to live in an isolated world where I can just enjoy, enjoy and enjoy but not need to work. However, on the other hand, I found I am not leading a kind of life I am looking forward to. Beside fictions, I also want to see the real world experiencing things not only through the eyes of the characters in the films. I like watching in front of the computer, but I do want to go outside to expose myself in the sunshine. I enjoy chatting with my friends in the room, but I feel lost about the fact that we may waste a lot time talking about what is unnecessary and wrong. I like killing time doing nothing, but I can't help wondering about what I will be like if I have more knowledge. I want to lock myself in a room without anything new, but I can't block my imaginations about what new is happening outside and what different life can be. I have much passion in knowing about new things and new experiences, which I can't drop off. I always have confusion like that, but this time it lasts too long from the day I finished the college entrance exam. I stay where I was for too long. During the few months or more than half a year I have been a completely a bad person. I developed a bad eating habit, gained weight, lost interests in studying, give up running, thought less about my responsibilities, minded less about spending money, didn’t care much about bad scores, but there are something good also I know more things about computer and type faster, learn more about what other girls think, have less burdens, do more shopping, become more optimistic. I can’t say I am regret anyway. I am not regret because I know why I did all these things. In all of the eight months I tried to recover from the scar of the exam. It took me 3 years to recover from the failure of the high school entrance exam. Until today I still feel pain. I heard someone said that failure is something that is not easy to deal with because it will leave you painful for a long time. I still can’t treat my failure correctly now. I think of it and feel just like when I thought of the failure in the high school entrance exam in high school. I feel ashamed of that. I hardly get rid of the shadow. I really care about that. I escape from those feeling by never working hard as before, to make forget the failure. Year, now I am here in Singapore and no one will care about what I got in the exam, but in my heart there is always something I can’t forget, that’s what blocks my way. I’m in fact a bit afraid I will fail again if I work hard again. I have a feeling that if I do nothing and fail, I will not be that sad; if I am not regarded as someone like in middle school and high school, I will not feel hopeless when people regard me as a pity. Before I always gave people hope that I could be good, but I failed. I was depressed anyway. Once I was not the kind of people I am now, I want to be excellent, but now I am afraid to fail again. I enjoy the life in some way, but I know I am not living the way I expect and I know I am daydreaming and not willing to wake up. Dreaming is good, but I know I can’t dream everyday without an end. From the day, I graduated from high school, I chose to escape and do nothing that can make me uncomfortable. I dream for so long without considering anything serious. I know I can’t live a life like that all the time, because it’s not as interesting as I thought and not as comfortable as it seemed to be. In fact, I’d like to say I have been fed up with the life the last 8 month. I am bored by dreaming and having nothing to do. I remember I dropped my tensed life in high school, because I thought that was enough for me and I was bored. While today I can’t bear such comfortable life now, I would rather go back. Though I still feel pain about the past and I am not brave enough to look back, there must be a day I should face it and truly I will change the way I live. I will try to make myself satisfied and I think anyway I’m here not where I was hurt. I still love the world , I want to put myself into wonderful adventures , I hope to know more about new thing, I have things to fulfill. That’s why I want to change, to go back to the normal path. I always know I will go back to my path wherever else I choose to go in a short moment, but I never regret to go somewhere else and then come back. I don’t think it should be a mistake. I treasure it, as it’s a part of life and growing up. It gives me time to rest and have a look at all the beautiful things I didn’t pay attention to. I like my leisure life recently, but anyway I will be back, because I want to know what will happen in front. I am not an emotional person, but I will always think of what happens to me, because I am a normal person and every normal person does this.